As a therapist I get asked often “Am I broken?”. Or “why am I always attracting broken people?” I think at the heart of the question is the idea of ideals and perfection. Somehow, we all believe there there is an ideal human being out there whose life is going off without a hitch, who can handle all challenges flawlessly and with grace and unwavering strength. And, when we fall short of that, well, that make us broken.
Let’s take the first question first: Broken means utterly unable to function. That is, dead! Humans, no matter how damaged, find ways to function and move along in life. In fact, the more damaged a person is the more incredible some of their adaptation capabilities become. We are all damaged in some way because in the course of life we get hurt and some of the hurt does actual harm. Harm takes away opportunities for growth in a particular trajectory, that much is true. But it does not stop growth unless it kills you. Think about a tree: Unobstructed, it may grow straight and tall, but knocked down in a storm, it either dies or starts growing in all kinds of crooked ways. When we think of a tree we imagine the straight and tall version (what we may consider normal) but on a walk in the woods, we pass so many normal trees and only stop to ponder in aw the crooked, weird, twisted ones. And if the tree could ask us “what are you looking at” we most likely would answer with positive regard, express our wonder about its beautiful and unusual twists and admire its resilience and resolve to survive. We would not instantly set off to straighten it out. So yes, you are damaged. We are all damaged, but none of us are broken as long as we draw a breath.
“Why do I attract damaged people?” The answer is two-fold. When we are damaged, we feel less out of place if we are with others who are also damaged. We find our company more appealing as it “normalizes” the damage. But more importantly, when we have experienced pain, when we allow ourselves to be imperfect, we allow others to also be so and we accept people for who they are more readily. So we are or open to damaged people and come across as safe for them to want to be with us. Damaged people can be less judgmental of other damaged people. The problem is, unlike a tree, our damages are dynamic. That is, they tend to actively interfere with our life and make us struggle more than necessary to meet life’s demands. So, when two damaged people come together they can sometimes help each other, but often their damage feeds off of one another and compounds their challenges.
So that is it: You aren’t broken. You are damaged. We are all damaged in someway. As soon as we accept it, start appreciating the ways in which we have adapted to the damage imposed on us by life, the sooner we can be OK with ourselves and find beauty and joy where we are rather than search for it in places we wish we could be. Don’t be afraid of your damages, work on adapting and strengthening. Seek help, share your pain and successes.