It’s almost cliche by now to talk about holiday depression. But, cliche or not, it is a genuine reality for so many people. It is almost impossible to imagine that we can’t on the face of it understand how it comes about. But just as we understand tornados and know there are seasons for them, when they hit, they are just as destructive as if we didn’t understand them and were surprised by them.
Holidays aren’t normal. They are occasions for exaggerating certain aspects of life that bring us happiness. They are supersaturated sugary sweets that you can handle occasionally and not as a routine diet. And just like intense sugary deserts, once tasted, everything else feels, well, dull.
The first thing to understand is that holidays in the northern hemisphere comes on the heals of winter onset with Seasonal Affective Disorder already taking its toll on us. Throughout the world, long nights of winter have been battled against with light festivals and holidays that bring light to life. But there is only so much lighting your life can do. Lights also don’t combat the cold. However, this is just a contributory stressor as holiday depression occurs in the Southern Hemisphere as well when summer is in full effect during this time.
As in all facets of life, the discrepancy between expectations and reality is what stresses us out the most. What we think we “should” have or be is usually unmet by what actually happens in our life. We often don’t distinguish between hopes and expectations.The stronger our hopes lean into being expectations, the more damning our disappointment becomes. Once we set a high expectation, what we can accomplish is almost always less than what we expected and therefore disappointing.
Our expectations are set by others, not us. We just adopt them almost like the Stockholm syndrome. We watch TV, see posts on social media, watch movies and read books about the holiday experience and see that it is “supposed to be” filled with joy, abundance, love and companionship. There is no disease portrayed, no poverty or homelessness, no distress and discord and certainly no hunger. And there is so much shiny stuff. Cars, jewelry, clothes, travel, sounds and sights of red, green, white, and gold.
Our Christmas myths have also included the belief that if we don’t have the abundance we hope for it must be our fault (coal in the stocking…naughty or nice..) You may think these are childhood ideas and we abandon them when we get past age 10 but in reality the theme stays with us. These are old Christian themes too: Poverty has historically been seen as the fault of the impoverished. So the double whammy is that we look around at our life and start seeing the stark contrast to the standard that is set for us as to what our life should be. This realization hits us at right after Halloween or even earlier since commercials for Christmas now begin in September. We find ourselves in a tail-spin of trying to meet those expectations that fast approach in a few months. The stress in enormous and the magnitude of self-deprecation for not being able to meet our standards is crushing.
I often watch TV and wonder who is going to get two brand new Lexuses or BMWs with large red bows over them. I frequently wonder what young children living in Section 8 housing is thinking and feeling when they see magnificent table settings, full of amazing food surrounded by overjoyed, well-dressed and “perfect” people mingling in large rooms that can accommodate 30 people. What does a single mother feel watching commercials about a happy couple sitting with their 2 ½ children around the fire opening huge presents? These are, like it or not, expectations or mental schemas we have about holidays. And, our reality of how we celebrate the holidays is, for most people, vastly different. The small joys we can find in our life are often overshadowed and diminished by the stress leading to relationship discords, Love is replaced by blame over smallest of things, connectedness is replaced by isolation.
It does not have to be this way. First, please start early in disabusing children that love is conditional on their behavior and rewarded with gifts. Gifts are given because we love, that is true but not as its proof. And let them know that making mistakes is part of growing up and we pay for it by the negative it naturally brings not by getting a piece of coal. Learning how to enjoy small moments of happiness, bliss, fulfillment and satisfaction is a practice that, if maintained and done daily, can go a long way to create silos of protection against the deluge of stress. Current vernacular is mindfulness but really all that means is taking the time to appreciating what you have in the here-and-now. If your eyes blink ok, if you are breathing in and out and if more body parts are doing what they should than those who don’t then you have something to appreciate and take a bow for. If you don’t believe me, take an inventory now and imagine if these things were not working….yeah, it’s nice, right? I thought so.
Bring color, light and shiny into your life. It does not have to be expensive. Shiny decor and strings of Christmas light reflecting them create a sense of joy and increase stimulation to your brain. Play music and move to it—notice I said move and not dance. Dance is intimidating, movement anyone can do. Treat yourself to some sweets…yes, it’s OK to gain a few pounds. Its winter, you are hibernating. You’re a mammal.
What about gifts? Trying to think of what people around you will like or won’t can be daunting. Don’t give into that stress. Create memories instead. Invite people you care about together in a pot luck situation or join a potluck party either at someone’s home or church or social agency. Sharing food and drinks that people like and reminisce about stories you all find enjoyable, or learning new stories of people you meet can go a long way to give you something to smile about and occupy your mind positively. Loneliness is the hardest factor on us during the holidays, so if you can, find someone who has nowhere to go and be their joyful company. If you are the one who is lonely, be bold. Invite yourself to a church gathering, a friends’ get together or create a social media event for yourself and others who are also lonely.
Most importantly, remember that these moments, good or bad, will pass and life will resume its normal path. For next year though, start preparing early by learning to find joy in what you have, getting along with people better and creating connections with new people, save money, be watchful to discover what those you love enjoy a lot and make a list of that so when it comes to giving them presents.
Holiday blues are real. They will affect even the rich people who get to Lexuses with red bows on top of them. No one is immune from it so here is one thing that brings the rich and the poor together. If you can’t seem to get past the holiday blues, seek professional help. A short course of counseling can help a lot.
Happy holidays.